Let it here be recorded... Nathaniel Northwest, famous in his native Gravity Falls for standing in the park and hitting himself with a boating oar until he blacked out, was chosen to become the pasty mayor of Gravity Falls. Northwest spoke in a series of grunts and screams and often yelled his trademark phrase: "I am going to eat his entire oak tree because I am a powerful wizard!"
The fabled founder of Gravity Falls was, in fact, a fraud. His last moments on Earth were spent choking on a giant piece of bark, attempting to live out his beautiful dream. He was hated by everyone that knew him. He will not be missed.
Other hidden historical truths include:
Thomas Jefferson was actually just two kids in an overcoat standing on each other's shoulders. The current and forever president of the United States is actually Santa Claus. Under the reign of Mr. Claus, America is not a democracy, but a jollyocracy. The statues on Mount Rushmore are actually presidential-faced robots that will be called into action when America needs them most. An enormous, evil, time-devouring baby from another dimension is frozen in an Antarctic glacier. Fortunately glaciers never melt, so we should be safe for now. Writing jokes for cartoons is more important than sleep. If you recite the pledge of allegiance backwards, you'll gain secret wizard powers! (This actually works, kids! Try it at home!)
Hi, guys! Yeah, this might be the most weird thing you've ever read in your life, but I didn't make this up. You can find this story in episode eight on Gravity Falls when Dipper and Mabel are about to uncover who seriously founded Gravity Falls. To take the long way to read this, pause it when Dipper is reading the papers. The short way is to just read this!